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    The Kindle version of my book Spineless Wonders: Strange Tales from the Invertebrate World is currently on sale for just $4.99.  The New York Times Book Review says,  “With wit & elegance [Conniff] persuades the queasiest reader to share his fascination with the extravagant variety of invertebrates & their strategies.”

    Ending Epidemics: A History of Escape from Contagion: “Ending Epidemics is an important book, deeply and lovingly researched, written with precision and elegance, a sweeping story of centuries of human battle with infectious disease. Conniff is a brilliant historian with a jeweler’s eye for detail. I think the book is a masterpiece.” Richard Preston, author of The Hot Zone and The Demon in the Freezer

    The Species Seekers:  Heroes, Fools, and the Mad Pursuit of Life on Earth by Richard Conniff is “a swashbuckling romp” that “brilliantly evokes that just-before Darwin era” (BBC Focus) and “an enduring story bursting at the seams with intriguing, fantastical and disturbing anecdotes” (New Scientist). “This beautifully written book has the verve of an adventure story” (Wall St. Journal)

    Swimming with Piranhas at Feeding Time by Richard Conniff  is “Hilariously informative…This book will remind you why you always wanted to be a naturalist.” (Outside magazine) “Field naturalist Conniff’s animal adventures … are so amusing and full color that they burst right off the page …  a quick and intensely pleasurable read.” (Seed magazine) “Conniff’s poetic accounts of giraffes drifting past like sail boats, and his feeble attempts to educate Vervet monkeys on the wonders of tissue paper will leave your heart and sides aching.  An excellent read.” (BBC Focus magazine)

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A Vampire’s Embarrassing Secret

Posted by Richard Conniff on December 20, 2013

Vampire squid with yellow tentacle

Vampire squid with yellow tentacle

What do you do when you are one of the scariest looking creatures on the planet, so scary sober-minded scientists named you Vampyroteuthis infernalis, the vampire squid from hell?  You kill, of course.  And kill, and kill, and kill.

But now it turns out that the vampire squid does no such thing.  This very entertaining article from R.R. Helm at Deep Sea News reports that they are vegetarians.

But it’s worse than that:  They are actually scavengers, detritivores, the natural world’s equivalent of dumpster-divers.  Here’s Helm:

Vampire squid–with cloudy blue eyes, a blood red body, and barbed arms– may be the deep sea’s most frightening creature, but according to a new study, it may also be the gentlest. It turns out, this vampire is actually a vegetarian.

The decisive clue to the vampire’s kinder nature came in the form of long, stringy tentacles. For decades scientists puzzled over the mystery of these strange appendages. Are they for mating? Defense? No one knew, until scientists observed the squid doing something altogether surprising. It turns out, vampire squid use these tentacles like fishing lines, but they’re not catching living prey, they’re catching ‘snow’. Vampire squid scoop up sinking ocean gunk, known as marine snow, with their thin yellow tentacles, and then suck it off these appendages (like licking your fingers). This gunk includes bits of algae, dead animals, poo and bacteria from the ocean above.

And while the ‘vegetarian vampire’ story may be distressingly familiar–I can guarantee the vampire squid came up with it first. The lineage that includes the vampire squid has been around since the Jurassic (as in dinosaurs), and while it’s called a squid, its family tree is so old that it’s neither a squid, nor an octopus, but something altogether different. A unique creature living gently in its dark, cold, inhospitable home. Twilight may have made millions in media sales, but it’s got nothing on this real life gentle ocean vampire.

Well, this no doubt sucks for lovers of big, scary animals.  But one other quibble.  Pretty sure squid can’t suck.  With their mouths, I mean.  That’s more a mammal thing.

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